Title: Amazing Grace
Author: lilithangel
Email: abchainey@xtra.co.nz
Website: www.livejournal.com/users/lilithbint/
Fandom(s): Ats
Genre: slash cause I'm a Spangel girl.
Pairings/Characters: Spike/Angel.
Rating: includes descriptions of rape so if you don't like, don't read.
Warnings: see above.
Notes: thanks to Anonymouse 7th for the title and getting me started
and Mistress Eve for the plotline. Set after 'Why We Fight'. Spike
is missing Angel finds himself worrying and goes to find him. Ended
up being pretty mushy.
* * * * *
Angel sat in his office thinking about everything that had happened in the last few days. What Lawson had said to him about a mission haunted him as much as dusting his childe.
Even though he did what had to be done it had been harder than he had expected. But he had done it, and that thought brought him back to another.
Back to Spike and the battle for the cup. They had thrown a lot of words as well as blows at each other that night and Angel still did not know how Spike had defeated him. The anger and hatred in Spike's eyes had been familiar enough but losing was not familiar, not losing to Spike.
The grace and style of Spike's fighting also kept coming back. Angel had not had much of a chance in the past to see how Spike fought and all of his memories had been of William's eager but clumsy attempts to copy Angelus.
The Spike Angel had fought against had found his own style. One that suited his build that used speed and agility to compensate for a smaller frame. Spike's time fighting with the Slayer also showed up, he adapted quickly and took a lot of punishment.
Spike had learnt through experience what Angel had learnt from Eastern martial art teachers and years of tai chi, the dance the flow that allowed a master to anticipate opponents and control the fight.
Intellectually Angel could appreciate the beauty and grace of Spike's movements; emotionally he shied away from any other feelings for the vampire who had been a thorn in his side for so long.
As soon as he got a handle on his feelings towards Spike the words kept coming back, 'you know nothing about me.' Followed by the memory of Spike's bewildered face after Dana cut his hands off and the defeat in his voice in the hospital.
None of this fit with the picture Angel had in his mind of his grandchilde, the image Spike had so carefully cultivated for so long. Now when Angel tried to conjure up his old feelings of contempt that face swam into view and the feelings were muted.
Thinking on Spike Angel realised that he had not seen the bleached menace since the night Cordelia left. Picking up his phone Angel rang through to Harmony.
"Harmony, have you seen Spike recently?" He asked her.
"Sorry boss not since drinks at the Cat & Fiddle last week." Harmony chirped.
Angel frowned and rang the others only to hear the same reply; nobody had seen Spike since they had gone to the pub. Angel had not joined them that night, too upset over losing Cordelia to be up to company.
"He did mention a poker game when we were leaving." Wesley was able to add. "Something about catching the bastards out."
Angel put down the phone more concerned than ever; Spike never left it this long between annoying him.
Picking up the phone Angel rang Wesley again, this time to get Spike's address.
That evening Angel hovered uncertainly in the corridor down from Spike's apartment. If Spike were just getting over a bender he would not be pleased to see Angel. Squaring his shoulders Angel moved down the corridor, it was his duty to ensure Spike was okay.
The door to the apartment was slightly ajar and Angel was able to push it open further before the ban on the threshold stopped him. The smell of alcohol and vomit was so strong it hit Angel like a hammer.
"Spike, are you in there?" Angel held his hand over his nose and peered into the gloom. Under the first assault of smells Angel could now detect the strong scent of blood.
"Spike!" Angel called out with more urgency. A slight noise inside the apartment alerted Angel that someone was there. "Spike, answer me damn it, what's going on?"
"Bugger off." Came the belligerent reply from somewhere in the gloom.
"What happened?" Angel persisted.
"I said, bugger off." Was the only reply.
Angel peered deeper into the gloom and could just make out a shape at the far end of the room. Angel took a deep sniff of the air, "I can smell your blood Spike, what's going on?"
"Nothing is going on, piss off." Spike growled.
Angel growled back and pushed against the barrier at the door. "Let me in, damn it."
"I said bugger off!" A bottle crashed against the wall next to the door.
"Fine." Angel yelled back and he strode away. "Far be it from me to stay where I'm not wanted."
The next night, against his better judgement, Angel found himself standing in front of Spike's door again. Nothing seemed to have changed, he could see the broken glass on the floor and the smell of blood, booze and vomit was everywhere.
"Spike," Angel called out. "You have to let me in."
"No I bloody don't." came the reply. "Just piss off and leave me alone."
"No I won't. You're obviously hurt, Spike I can smell it." Angel insisted.
"I'm fine, go play your hero games with someone who gives a damn." Came the growl but softer, weaker than before.
"Spike you obviously need help." Angel pressed.
"No I bloody do not!" Another bottle flew out of the darkness but it fell short of the door.
"That's not going to get rid of me, Spike. Let me in or I will have to call Wesley and Gunn over to check on you." Angel threatened.
"Bastard." Spike's tone was defeated. "Come in then if you must."
The invisible barrier gone Angel pushed the door opened and stepped over the broken glass that littered the floor. Moving into the room he headed towards the shadowy figure slumped at the back of the room.
"That's far enough, peaches." Spike snarled.
Angel stopped and took in his surroundings, every piece of furniture had been shattered even the sofa was lying broken in two pieces against the wall.
"What happened here?" Angel asked in surprise.
"Nothing, just fancied a bit of redecorating." Spike awkwardly pushed himself up the wall until he was standing. He was wearing a tattered t-shirt that was coated with blood and a pair of tracksuit pants that Angel did not recognise.
The pants were too big for Spike and hung low on his hips revealing a mass of bruises and wounds on his stomach. Spike's arms appeared to be covered in weeping burns and his face was battered and swollen almost beyond recognition.
"What happened to you?" Angel gasped.
Spike snorted, "Don't sound so shocked or are you disappointed that you weren't the one who did it?" He challenged.
"When did this happen, why haven't you healed?" Angel demanded ignoring Spike's anger.
"What the hell is it to you, poof?" Spike refused to look Angel in the eye.
"Spike..." Angel moved forward.
"Stay away from me!" Spike yelled pushing back into the wall. "Don't touch me." His eyes were wild with fear and anger.
Angel stilled his hand and spoke carefully. "Alright Spike I won't touch you. Will you tell me what happened?"
"You know me Angel, always getting into trouble. Only got what I deserved." Spike's tone was flat.
"Why haven't you gotten yourself fixed up?" Angel kept his voice calm.
"Bin too busy drinking." Spike waved to the rubble of bottles around him.
"Spike, you can barely stand, you should be healing by now." Angel did not understand why he was trying to help but something in Spike's tone made him realise that what had happened was bad.
"Funny thing, alcohol doesn't seem to be very nutritious." Spike's tone was flippant but Angel could see the strain in his body as every muscle shook with the effort of staying upright.
"Spike you need help." Angel tried again.
"Not from you, just leave me alone." Spike pushed himself away from the wall in anger. His legs buckled and before Angel could catch him he fell to the floor unconscious.
Angel rushed over and carefully picked Spike up and carried him over to the bed, which seemed to have escaped most of the destruction.
Angel awkwardly removed Spike's t-shirt wincing at what was revealed. Spike's entire torso was covered in bruises; the weeping sores on Spike's arms were also peppered over his chest and back and Angel realised that they were infected burns.
Angel noticed abrasion marks around both of Spike's wrists consistent with rope burns. Spike was thin to the point of emaciation and Angel had to assume that he had not fed in almost a week.
Angel found that he was hesitant to remove Spike's trousers not sure he wanted to see the extent of the injuries and certain that Spike would not want him to.
Taking advantage of Spike's unconscious state Angel carefully cleaned up the injuries he could see and then called for a supply of blood.
Spike began to stir as Angel was heating up some blood. His eyes flew open when he realised where he was and he attempted to sit up.
"Take it easy, Spike." Angel moved over to the bed carrying a mug of blood. "You're safe in your apartment." He assured the disoriented blonde.
"What the hell are you doing?" Spike noticed his topless state and dragged a sheet over his body indignantly.
"You were unconscious, Spike. I just thought you would be more comfortable on the bed." Angel handed him the mug of blood.
Spike stared at the mug with an expression akin to nausea but finally accepted it from Angel's hand. Spike stared at the blood blankly not drinking.
"You need to drink it." Angel encouraged.
"I don't think I can." Spike said and then he suddenly threw the mug across the room. "I'm not hungry so just leave me alone!"
Angel glared at Spike in annoyance but only went and brought another mug of blood over to the bed. "Will you drink this one please?"
Spike stared at Angel suspiciously, "why are you being so nice?" he demanded.
"Because you were right." Angel looked around and then with a shrug he perched on the end of the bed. Spike pulled his legs up as if Angel was on fire, still watching him suspiciously. "I never knew the real you but I want to." Angel continued. "We are on the same side and we are family."
"What sort of bollocks are you talking?" Spike asked incredulously. "You have said plenty of times that you would be happy if I was dust."
"I would have been when you were pissing me off." Angel retaliated. "But not now, not after the cup and not after what you tried to do for Dana." He confessed. "Please drink the blood." Angel pleaded. "I'm not going to go away."
"I don't think I can." Spike whispered his head down.
"Try please." Angel was at a loss to understand what would stop the irrepressible blonde from eating.
Spike took the proffered mug from Angel and looked at it helplessly before bringing it to his lips. He took a tentative sip and his body shuddered.
"Small sips," Angel advised watching him with concern.
Spike managed a few more mouthfuls and then he shook his head. "That's enough." He said.
Angel nodded and took the mug from Spike's hands and drained it. "I'll heat up some more later."
Angel got up and took the mug to the sink rinsing it out before turning back to Spike.
"You need to get cleaned up; can I take a look at your injuries?" Angel asked.
Spike pulled his legs up tighter to his body, "No." he growled. "I'll be fine you can push off now."
"No I can't." Angel replied firmly. "You're hurt and I want to help you."
"You can't help me, nobody can." Spike answered dully.
Angel was struck by the resemblance of this Spike to the one who had been in hospital after Dana and it dawned on him that Spike had not really bounced back from that moment.
"You have to heal Spike, we need you." Angel tried to encourage him.
"Why got some dirty work needs doing?"
Angel hung his head at the tone in Spike's voice, knowing that it had been true in the past.
"Why did you come here?" Spike asked suddenly.
"Nobody had seen you for a couple of days, we... I was worried." Angel admitted.
Disbelief shone in Spike's eyes and a bitter laugh escaped his lips.
Angel sat down on the bed again, "I know you have no reason to believe me but I was and I do want to help you." He placed a hand on Spike's knee.
Spike flinched back from the contact and huddled into himself even further. Angel kept his touch light but did not remove his hand, determined to reach Spike this time.
"I'm not going to go away, Spike not this time." Angel said quietly.
"Went for my regular game of poker," Spike's voice was low and monotonous. "Keeps me in cigarettes and beer at least. Had a couple of new demons playing with us, I was a bit suspicious of their winning streak. Figured I could catch them cheating and it worked, got them kicked out of the game. They didn't take too kindly to me interfering..." Spike trailed off for a moment staring blankly at the wall.
"They were waiting for me after the game, some slimy little snitch distracted my attention and they jumped me. I got in a few good knocks but there were too many of the bastards. Woke up in some warehouse hanging by my wrists." Spike's voice was still a dull monotone and Angel felt an awful premonition chill him to the bone.
"They beat me up pretty bad, could have handled that but... they raped me, took it in turns for most of the next four days. Called in their buddies to get a piece of the 'demon traitor'." Spike's voice broke and he stopped.
Angel closed his eyes in horror trying not to imagine what Spike had gone through.
Spike had not finished his tale; Angel forced himself to listen and to keep looking at Spike.
"Said it was all I was worth, what I was... just a demon fuck toy. Not human, not demon, not anything worthwhile. Shoved their cocks in my arse til I bled then used my mouth to clean them up. Broke my legs when I resisted threatened to break my jaw if I bit them, and then broke it anyway. They reset it when they realised I couldn't suck them off properly." The words flooded out of Spike.
"Left me hanging til they wanted me didn't bother to feed me. Hosed me down a couple of times when I was too messy with blood and vomit. Used me to pay off some gambling debts to a couple of humans who liked the way cigarette burns looked on my skin. Kept me until I wasn't fun anymore then threw me into a dumpster to be thrown out with the garbage."
"Spike..." Angel's voice was full of horror and pity.
"Don't want your pity." Spike growled. "My own fault got what I deserved. Nothing that I haven't done a thousand times in the past without a second thought."
"Spike nobody deserves to be raped." Angel said. He knew that later he would be angry at what had happened but for now he needed to focus on Spike.
"Not sure why I pulled myself out of there should have just let the sun finish the job. Some wino took pity on me, gave me some pants and I found my way back here." There was no life in Spike's voice, no anger or fire just a dull resignation.
"Spike, I am so sorry." Angel shuddered as a memory of his time in hell flashed through his mind. "If I had known..." Guilt threatened to overwhelm Angel as the implication of Spike having to gamble to survive sank in. "I shouldn't have..." he chastised himself.
"What shouldn't you have done?" Spike's voice was angry. "Ignored me, treated me like dirt, acted like you always have?"
Every word lashed Angel's guilt as he acknowledged Spike's words.
"Why would you be any different, always knew what I was to others. They... they didn't do anything worse than what I have done before, what I deserve." The acceptance in Spike's voice was more than Angel could bear.
"Nobody deserves that, especially not you, Spike." Angel burst out. "I'm sorry for making you feel unwelcome, I shouldn't have done that."
"Told you I don't want your pity." Spike growled.
"Then you won't get it." Angel made a decision. "You have never let anyone or anything keep you down, why are you letting them win now?" he demanded.
"Maybe I'm just tired of fighting the truth, maybe it's time I accepted what everyone has been telling me." Spike yelled at Angel.
"Then you should have stayed in that dumpster and let the sun take you." Angel flung back.
"You'd like that wouldn't you? Don't think I will lie down and make your life any easier. Think if I'm gone the Shanshu is all yours, that you can carry on all pretend noble-like, sorry that I'm gone and you get free rein again? Not bloody likely, not while I'm still here." Spike punctuated every word with a painful move towards Angel.
Angel grinned mirthlessly, "That's more like the Spike I know." He said with satisfaction. "Didn't think you really wanted to end it all, you're a survivor you always have been."
Spike sank back with a wry smile, "Bastard."
"Will you drink some more now, please?" Angel asked.
Spike nodded and Angel jumped up to warm the blood.
After Spike had started sipping the blood Angel forced himself to broach a difficult subject.
"Spike" Angel began "I have cleaned up some of your injuries but we should... your pants... I'm sorry but you could be bleeding internally, we need to be sure."
Spike stopped sipping his blood but did not raise his eyes.
"Please Spike; I could get someone else to help if you'd rather?" Angel suggested.
"No!" Spike shook his head vehemently. "Nobody else is going to know." He slopped the blood out of his mug in agitation.
"Okay, take it easy. Will you trust me then?" Angel said tentatively.
"Don't have much of a choice do I?" Spike replied bitterly. He wiped the blood off his face and put down the mug.
Spike lay back against the bed head and fumbled with the knotted cord that was keeping his pants up. He cursed when it failed to co-operate and glared at Angel.
Angel slowly put his hands out and carefully unknotted the cord. Spike flinched at the contact but stoically endured it as Angel peeled the fabric off. Spike lifted his hips slightly to allow Angel to pull the pants off completely. Spike's eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out, much to Angel's relief when he saw the state of Spike's injuries.
There were inflamed rings around Spike's lower legs where they had been broken and the cigarette burns were peppered all over with a strong concentration around the inner thighs.
Angel swallowed down his pain and systematically cleansed the wounds before very gently rolling Spike onto his side. The sight that met his eyes pulled a choked cry from Angel's lips and he had to steel himself to continue his ministrations without being sick.
Finally all that was left was the raw and bleeding site of Spike's physical rape. Fighting back tears Angel tenderly removed the blood and made sure there were no foreign objects embedded in the flesh. Then he carefully rolled Spike back and covered him with a blanket before he woke up.
Feeling a need to do something Angel kept busy with cleaning up the apartment. He was assessing the remains of a kitchen chair trying to decide if it could be fixed when Spike awoke with a cry.
Angel dropped the chair and dashed back to Spike's bedside. Spike was sitting upright staring blankly at the wall and noticeably flinched when Angel sat down on the bed.
"It's just me, Spike." Angel reassured him. Slowly recognition showed in Spike's eyes and he sank back against the bed head. "Bad dream?" Angel asked sympathetically.
"Yeah." Spike answered without elaborating, running a shaky hand through his hair.
"I patched you up as best I could, you should heal now as long as you continue to feed." Angel explained.
"So I guess you'll be off now?" Spike asked without looking at Angel.
"Just as soon as you are ready to go." Angel answered. Spike looked at him with confusion. "I want you to come back to my penthouse with me." Angel added.
"No way." Spike said vehemently. "Told you I don't want anybody else to know anything."
"Spike you need to be taken care of, I can do that easier from Wolfram & Hart." Angel reasoned.
"Why the bloody hell would you do that?" Spike demanded. "You've done your good deed, hero you saved the pathetic vampire from dusting himself. What else will you get out of this?"
"I want to help you heal, Spike." Angel answered ignoring the barb.
"What if I don't want your help?" Spike grumbled.
"I'm not leaving you, Spike so just get used to the idea." Angel's voice was raised with exasperation.
"We don't like each other remember?" Spike practically yelled. "So stop pretending to care."
"Spike, you drive me crazy, you push me all the time." Angel answered through gritted teeth. "But somewhere along the line I started to expect you to be there, started to miss you when you weren't. God help me, I started to think of you as a friend and I don't abandon my friends."
"Really?" Spike asked in shock.
"Really." Angel replied with surprise in his voice.
"Nobody else can know what happened." Spike stressed.
"We'll just tell them you were in a bad fight and need to recuperate." Angel assured him.
"In your penthouse?" Spike sounded dubious. "Like that's not going to make them suspicious."
"That's all they need to know. So you'll come?" Angel sounded anxious.
Spike nodded reluctantly.
"Are you strong enough to go now?" Angel asked. "It's still dark out and there will be fewer people around to question us."
Spike gathered the blanket around his body and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Tears pricked at Angel's eyes as he saw the awful wounds on Spike's back and the fragile dignity with which he held himself.
"Do you have a change of clothes?" Angel asked him carefully.
"In there." Spike indicated with his head, his hands gripped the side of the bed tightly.
Angel quickly pulled out a pair of jeans and a button down shirt. Spike looked at Angel with despair. "You're gonna have to..." he tailed off in humiliation.
Angel nodded and held the sleeves of the shirt so Spike could slide it on. Then Angel positioned the blanket over Spike's groin and knelt down for Spike to slip his feet into the legs of the jeans.
Spike stood and allowed Angel to pull the jeans over his hips before he dropped the blanket and fumbled with the buttons. Angel blinked away the tears that threatened again but not before Spike noticed.
"Do you want to take anything else?" Angel asked to cover up the awkwardness. "Where's your duster?"
Spike tensed, "Don't know, didn't have it on me when I woke up." He shuffled painfully to the door. "Come on then." He snapped as Angel just stood there.
Angel wrenched his gaze from Spike's bare feet and decided not to ask about the boots.
They made their way back to the penthouse without meeting anybody. Angel could see Spike release an unneeded breath as the door shut behind them.
"Do you want some more blood or to lie down?" Angel asked solicitously.
Spike shook his head and sat carefully down on the sofa. "Don't much like my dreams right now." He confessed. "But I should drink some more blood."
Angel nodded and headed for the small kitchenette to heat up some of the blood he had brought back with them.
"I'll replenish the supplies in the morning, so you can feed when you
need to." Angel brought a mug of blood back. He stopped at the sight that presented itself.
Spike was hunched over on the sofa his shoulders shaking as silent sobs wracked his body.
Angel put the mug down and sat next to Spike. Hesitantly he placed a comforting hand on Spike's shoulder, when he felt the shudders beneath his hand he quietly gathered the unresisting body into his arms and let the distraught blonde release his pain.
After a few minutes the convulsions eased and Angel realised that the exhausted Spike had fallen asleep where he lay.
Deciding not to wake him Angel manoeuvred a blanket over them both and settled down to get some sleep himself.
When Spike awoke he found himself warm and protected, cradled in Angel's arms. Looking up he found Angel watching him, blue eyes locked on brown and they simply stared at each other for a few moments before Spike looked away.
"I have to get ready for work," Angel said calmly. "You should get into bed and rest some more, I will bring you some blood in a moment."
Worn out Spike could on nod his agreement and allow Angel to disentangle their limbs. His wounds were beginning to heal from the blood Angel had given him the night before and it was easier to move.
Angel brought the blood in to find Spike lying stiffly in his bed jeans and shirt discarded on a chair.
"I'll come and check on you in a few hours." Angel told him watching as Spike took a few small sips of blood.
"Not a baby." Spike growled in reply.
"No but you are still injured and I will worry otherwise." Angel responded.
Spike rolled his eyes but did not seem too upset by Angel's concern.
Over the next few days Spike's physical health improved but Angel began to worry about his mental state. Spike's moods would swing wildly, he refused to see anybody but Angel and he would not discuss what had happened again.
They shared the same bed after Spike tried to injure himself during a nightmare. When the episodes occurred Angel would hold the blonde gently as he alternatively wept or raged. Afterwards Spike would break free of Angel's arms and they would return to their own sides stiff and silent until exhaustion claimed them.
When Spike had a good day they would sit together, Spike would watch television while Angel read reports or occasionally a novel. The strange camaraderie they established was welcomed by both of them although neither would admit it.
At every chance Angel tried to reassure Spike that he was not at fault, he was not dirty or worthless. It was impossible to tell if Spike believed him and Angel became more and more worried that he could not help Spike heal.
They woke one morning with Spike pressed behind Angel his erection hard against Angel's buttocks. Spike leapt away from Angel like he had been scalded and Angel rolled over to hide his own arousal.
To Angel's dismay Spike spent over an hour in the shower coming out with his skin rubbed raw, tear tracks still evident on his cheeks. They did not discuss the incident and nothing was said when Spike started to wear boxer shorts to bed.
Angel knew something had to give soon and he found himself longing for the return of the self-possessed but snarky Spike from before. He decided it was time to act and set some of the things he had been planning into motion.
That night Angel returned late to the penthouse. Spike ignored him when he arrived, watching the television intently.
"This is yours, Spike." Angel placed Spike's leather duster in his lap.
Spike caressed the leather lightly. "Where did you get it from?" His hand clenched convulsively on the sleeve.
"Took it off the body of some slimy little snitch." Angel replied sucking his bloodied knuckles.
Spike's head jerked up and he stared at Angel.
"After he told me where to find four certain demons." Angel continued as he sat down next to Spike. "I have them all, the next choice is yours."
Spike dropped his eyes and stared at the leather duster intently.
"They are going to be punished for what they did." Angel said with steel in his voice as he finally allowed Spike to hear the anger that had been simmering in him for days.
"Why bother?" Spike asked dully. "Not for my sake, I'm not worth it."
"For your sake and my sake, Spike. Because you are worth it, because nobody deserve to go through what you went through. Because I want to hurt them for what they did to you." Angel said vehemently.
The disbelief in Spike's eyes was easy to read and Angel sighed but pressed on. "Whatever you think my motivation is they are going to suffer for what they did. I want it to be you that decides what happens I will abide by your choice." He sat down beside Spike.
"What about the humans?" Spike asked.
"We will get their names from the demons and they will face the same punishment." Angel said.
"You would kill humans if I said so?" Spike could not believe what he was hearing.
Angel nodded with only a slight reluctance. "They took advantage of you for no better reason than they could. They are worse than the demons and deserve no mercy for their actions."
"I need to think." Spike shivered and wrapped his arms around his body protectively.
"Do you want me to go?" Angel wanted to know.
"No, stay please." Spike pleaded. Angel took Spike in his arms like he did after a nightmare and they sat in silence.
Angel inhaled Spike's scent his cheek pressed against Spike's hair. Spike had not gelled it back for several days and it was soft and silky to the touch.
Angel tried to shift when an erection came unbidden not wanting to upset Spike. The few times it had occurred they had both ignored it, Angel would go for a shower and take care of himself quickly and then return. As far as Angel was aware Spike had not had an erection since the time in his bed, he had not smelt any arousal or release bar his own.
Being aroused by Spike made Angel uneasy, he was unused to feeling attracted to men let alone Spike. Knowing what had happened to Spike made it worse. As Angelus he had revelled in humiliation and the arousal shamed him.
Spike stopped him from moving by placing one hand on Angel's erection. "Why are you aroused by me?" Spike asked him.
Angel thought about his answer, looking deep within his own mind. "Because you are a handsome man, because I have been holding you in my arms every night and it felt good. Because I think in the past I turned my arousal into anger to try and ignore it."
"Not because I was helpless and pathetic, not because you pity me?"
"I don't pity you." Angel turned Spike's head to face him. "I am angry for you, angry at myself for ignoring what you have become and driving you away, angry that it took such a terrible event to bring this peace between us.
"So you don't really want me?" There was anger and confusion in Spike's voice.
"I want you well, I want the time to explore what is happening but only if you want it too. This doesn't have to go any further than this, it has to be your choice." This time Angel could not meet Spike's gaze.
"Kill them, the demons I just want them dead. Make sure I never have to see the humans again and they don't have to die." Spike pulled out of Angel's arms brushing tears out of his eyes. "I am sick of crying, I am sick of hiding up here, I just want everything to be back to normal."
Angel nodded and tried to hide his disappointment at Spike's avoidance of what was happening between them. "How do you want them to die?"
"Just kill them, exterminate them like the vermin they are." Spike said savagely. "They had no right to rape me, no right to treat me like that. I want to be there when it happens, I want my face to be the last thing they ever see."
"Vengeance?" Angel asked with trepidation.
"Justice." Spike replied. "I'm not the first they have done it to and I wouldn't be the last."
Spike watched as Angel tortured the demons until they revealed the names of the humans who had participated in his abuse. He watched unmoved as they begged for mercy and only stepped forward when Angel drew his broadsword.
Spike waited until recognition shone in the eyes of all four demons then nodded to Angel who decapitated them all in a blur of motion.
Spike stared silently at the bodies then turned and walked out of the room. He kept walking right out of Wolfram & Hart and Angel did not see him again for several days.
This time Angel was prepared to wait for Spike to return and could only hope that he would.
One night Angel sat staring out of his office window when a voice broke into his thoughts.
"I was lost but you saved me. I guess that makes you my amazing grace because I was wretched and alone." Spike stepped out of the shadows around Angel's door and entered the room. His hair was gelled back and the leather duster was back in place.
"I was in a very dark place and did not want to come out of it." Spike continued. "You brought me back into the light and allowed me to believe in myself again. I wanted to leave and never come back but I couldn't."
Spike walked right up to Angel who stood nervously to meet him. "For the last week the only arousal I have experienced was in bed with you." Spike tilted his head to look up at Angel. "I went to a hooker and she got me hard and I blew my load down her throat so I knew everything still worked. But I did not want to have sex with her I want to have sex with you and that pisses me off."
"Why?" Angel asked swallowing convulsively.
"Because I don't want to want you, we have a history of hatred that I was quite comfortable with but you were right about denying the arousal with violence. I don't want to associate arousal with violence any more." Spike dropped his eyes. "I want to make better memories and I want to sleep again, as well as I did in your bed. I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to be angry. If you really care about me..."
"I do care about you. I have missed you these last few days. I didn't expect to feel this way about you but I do. We will take this as slow as you want in any form you want." Angel touched Spike's face gently. "You saved me, Spike. I was drowning in this place and you
helped me remember why I came here, to make a difference to change things. Love me and let me love you."
Tentatively Spike leant up and kissed Angel softly on the lips, "my amazing grace." He murmured and Angel embraced him. Spike put his arms around Angel's waist and drew him close. They stood locked together without speaking, enjoying simply being close to one another.
THE END.
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